Keep Your Faith In Your Blade
by GKingOfFez
Summary: Ezra finds himself doubting his lightsaber. Kanan helps. / Coda to S02E01 Siege of Lothal


Kanan glanced up for what felt like the hundredth time, and sighed.

"Tell me what's on your mind, kid," he said, lowering his holopad and turning to face Ezra across the checked surface of the dejarik table.

"What? Nothing's on my mind," his Padawan replied a bit too hurriedly.

"Really?" Kanan raised an eyebrow in mock disbelief. "You sure? Because you've been passing your lightsaber between your hands for ten minutes now, and it's really starting to get on my nerves."

"Oh, sorry," Ezra said, immediately plonking the 'saber down onto the table.

Kanan waited a few moments to see if he would talk again, but it quickly became apparent that Ezra wouldn't do so without further prompting. Deciding to give him a little time and space, Kanan returned to the report he'd been reading on a potential upcoming mission for the _Ghost_ from Ahsoka herself. He only got a few paragraphs in before his attention was once again drawn away.

Ezra had now begun tapping his fingers rhythmically against the tabletop and staring down his lightsaber with almost the same look he wore when going after enemies in a combat situation- like he was assessing the danger and calculating the risks and rewards of a particular move.

Sensing that this wasn't, in fact, 'nothing', Kanan this time turned off his holopad completely and put it down to the side, before folding his arms across his chest in an authoritative manner and turning to face his Padawan once more.

"Ezra, you look like you're expecting the lightsaber to grow teeth and attack you. If something's bothering, you _know_ you can talk to me. Come on, tell me what's up?"

Ezra fidgeted in place for a few seconds, before his hands curled into fists and he met Kanan's eye.

"It's about… Vader," said Ezra.

Even the very name made Kanan's back tense and a spike of fear drip into his hands and feet. He unfolded his arms and leant forward, looking over Ezra's lightsaber for himself with a frown.

Immediately, he understood.

"You're thinking about the landing platform on Lothal, aren't you?" asked Kanan.

Ezra nodded, his shoulder-length hair bouncing at the movement. "It felt like nothing I've ever felt before from the _Force_. The hate and fear and _cold_ , it was all so overwhelming and I couldn't _move_ , Kanan. It took _everything_ I had try to stop him and it wouldn't have been enough if you hadn't helped when you did. I would be dead right now." Ezra bowed his head and stared daggers at the lightsaber before him. "And _this_ would have done it."

Kanan swallowed back, processing Ezra's words. The memory of the kid pinned against a beam with the familiar blue lightsaber blade inching closer to his throat was only the latest in a string of horrifying images that pervaded his dreams. Kanan had saved Ezra yet again, but as always it had come far too close for comfort.

If Vader had thrown him a little harder across the landing platform, or if he'd lingered on the ground only a few more seconds more they might have escaped Lothal with one less Spectre (or perhaps they wouldn't have escaped at all).

But that was all speculative- what if, what if, _what if_? Kanan had been taught in the Jedi Temple not to dwell on the nebulous 'could-have-beens', but sometimes he just couldn't help it. It was the burden of most sentient beings in the galaxy to wonder such things, and on occasion Kanan envied the cool and certain logic of a droid.

"Kanan, how am we supposed to fight an enemy that can turn our own weapons against us?" Ezra said pleadingly from across the table. "You said that my lightsaber is my life, but how can I trust it when Vader can take control of it so easily?"

"Kid, look…" sighed Kanan, scrubbing a hand down his face. "I'm not sure I have the right answers for you. But no one likes to feel helpless, and I'm sure that goes triple for you with your experience. But just remember, there was no way any of us could have accounted for Vader's presence or power. He's not infallible, but he _is_ a Sith Lord, and that's something that you as a beginner had little chance against. Hell," he added with a humourless chuckle, "you saw me there, _I_ had no chance against him and I've got a couple of years on you."

Kanan looked again to Ezra's lightsaber, sitting innocently on the table. He leant forward and picked it up, running his fingers across the unique hilt.

"But just because he almost got the best of us doesn't mean we should give up, nor does it mean we should lose faith in ourselves or our weapons. Your lightsaber is still _yours_ , Ezra, believe me. Your kyber crystal found its way to you despite incredible odds, and besides, distrusting it will only give Vader a foothold in your head. We have to be stronger than that, _better_ than him if we ever want to defeat the Empire."

It was really all he could give, and he hoped it would be enough.

Kanan carefully stretched out his hand and offered the 'saber back to its owner. After a moment of consideration, Ezra gave a small smile and took it.

"I think you're right," said Ezra. "It's just… hard to think about these things. I know I gotta keep moving forward and not dwell if I want to survive, but some things take more time than others."

Kanan nodded and returned a reassuring smile. Sometimes he was reminded just how young Ezra was and how unfair it was for him to be fighting in a war. As much as he would like to shield his Padawan from the atrocities of the galaxy, he understood it simply wasn't an option.

Perhaps there would come a day when would get to his feet too late to save Ezra, and perhaps there would come a day when Vader was dead and the was Empire destroyed, but Kanan filed both of those options away. After all, there was no use in dwelling on possibilities, past or future.

He looked again to his holopad before changing his mind.

"Hey kid, how about we go do some lightsaber training? We've probably missed a few sessions with the excitement of the last few days, and I'm getting tired of reading reports."

As expected, Ezra lit up with excitement and jumped out of his seat with a bounding energy only a child could harness. "Sure thing, I'll go get changed! Oh, and master?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime," said Kanan.

* * *

 _Heyo, guess who's alive._

 _Sorry for the blackout guys. I started on medication that a) took ages to take effect b) made me really sleepy for a while there and c) gave me an excuse not to write. I also lost that drive that fuelled me for a while there, which is a bummer, but what can you do. On the plus side, I am doing so much better at the moment, it's amazing!_

 _For those waiting for 'you'll watch them all bleed' chapter 2, it is coming. I had hoped to get it out before I leave for Melbourne on Monday, but that may not happen because I'm not feeling well and I have other more important things to do. It'll come out eventually, though. Probably._

 _This one was just a small idea I had a while back. Hope you liked it. :)_


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